I've got the garden blues.

Woe is me!

We came back home after a few days away and I hurried to check the garden. The only successful plants we have are six heirloom tomatoes, six heirloom peppers, a BUNCH of Picklebush cucumber and one tenacious (yet unfortunately unlabeled) melon. The peppers hadn't been doing so well, being the apparent favorite of the local pest population. Poor babies have put so much energy into trying to replace leaves that they haven't even flowered yet. Thus, I was devastated to discover one plant had been stripped of EVERY SINGLE LEAF. Only a sad, sad little stem with bare branches remained. GASP. I hurried to check the remaining peppers and couldn't find one. Whaa? Then I realized that one of my tomato plants had flopped over under its own weight and crushed the neighboring pepper. Tomato plant is fine, but the pepper plant's stem was broken. If you're keeping track, that makes it: Murphy's law: 2, peppers: 4.

There was one tomato plant in general that I'd been concerned about: my Amish Paste. It's the only indeterminate tomato I've got going on right now. This means that unlike determinate types, which stop growing at a certain height, it will keep going and going and going... until the weather cools enough for it to stop. Last week I decided that its sprawl was going to have to be checked, so I sort of wrestled it into a cage. Well, nobody likes a cage. Now, the poor darling is positively infested with aphids. I saw a few ladybugs hurrying around, making meals of the little bastards, but there's only so much a lady can do! By pushing the plant's branches and leaves closer together, I'd cut off air and sunlight to a sizable portion of the big beauty. Pests just LOVE this scenario. I decided to bite the bullet and prune some of the suckers and smaller branches to let some air circulate. (Determinate tomatoes don't really care for this treatment, by the way, but apparently you can get away with it on some indeterminate plants.) As I was digging around in this massive plant, I noticed that several stalks had actually broken themselves against the cage wire... including the only branch with fruit. DOUBLE-GASP!

“That's IT!” I thought. She hates the cage, I'm letting her out. You should have seen what a production that was. Carefully threading branches back through, gently shimmying the cage as I lifted it, crooning apologetically to the plant. (That last bit shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me.) After about 30 minutes, I had her free. She flopped open, somewhat gratefully, I thought. And then I spotted IT. A huge long caterpillar with a spike on its butt. EWWW. Quick, run inside and Google it! Tomato hornworm, says what?? Ohh, they're bad mamma-jammas, alright. So I snipped the stem he was hanging from and hung it near a little bird's nest I know. (Oh, yes I did!) Apparently, wasps will use the nasty buggers to lay their eggs. When baby wasps hatch, instant baby food! MWAHAHAA.-- #naturerox  --But I didn't want to risk a pregnant wasp NOT buzzing across it. He'll just have to take his chances with the birds.

Either way, I'm very very sad about the state of affairs out there. The good news? That melon ain't takin' no crap from no body. Go melon go! Also, our cucumbers are just thriving. I even saw a few curly little vines just looking for somewhere to go. So, trellises all around and a new stake system for the tommy-toes. No more cages, unless I start them out that way next year. And this evening, after it cools off a little, I'll be bringing a heaping helping of my homemade pest repellent: garlic/cayenne pepper spray. See how the buggers like a little HEAT with their meals. Say hello to my steenky friend!

Wish us luck!

Open Letter to Paypal

Dear Paypal Customer Service,

I would like to take this opportunity to commend your Account Security team. Here's my story:

On June 7^th, 2010, a charge appeared on my bank account for $260 from one of your members, Jorja Trading. I had not authorized this charge, so I reported it to my bank which then instructed me to contact you. I did so on June 9^th, around 11:30 AM. After clearing the automated menu, I was greeted by a friendly-sounding young lady who took all my pertinent information before transferring me to Paypal Account Security. After I repeated my pertinent information, the young man (Rick, it may have been), immediately filed a stolen credit card claim and took my e-mail address so any paperwork related to prosecution could be sent to me for signature. He then asked me if I had any familiarity at all with Jorja Trading.

I explained that yes, I was familiar with them, for a couple of reasons. Firstly, my boyfriend owes them money. The exact amount is in dispute, since the documentation they sent him had a different total than the amount they reported to the court system. A court date is pending, I believe. I told your team member all I knew, which isn't much, since the whole situation has nothing to do with me. This dispute originated with the purchase of a car. My name was not on his credit application for the car. My name was not on the title for the car. I was not sharing a lease with him, nor is his name on my bank account anywhere. My further familiarity with Jorja Trading is thus: this was the second fraudulent charge they had attempted on my account. The first was overturned by my bank back in April, along with several other transactions from other sources. My debit card had been compromised and I was left with my account thousands of dollars in the negative. That card was canceled and a new one issued.

I expressed bewilderment at how Jorja Trading was able to get the new card number, since I haven't used it online at all. He agreed that there must be “something else going on here.” Rick asked if my boyfriend had given them the new card information. I answered no, he's had no financial dealings with them at all, pending the court date. He suggested that I talk to my boyfriend about these fraudulent charges. I repeated that no contact of that nature had occurred, to which Rick replied “Well...”

I was amazed. It reminded me of a series of books I read when I was little. The main character was a little boy named Encyclopedia Brown and he solved crime. All someone had to do was tell him what happened, and he would tell you who did it! He never even had to investigate, really, he was just that smart. Now, I don't know how much you guys are paying Rick, but Encyclopedia was making 25 cents per case. Just sayin'.

Sure enough, I got an e-mail less than 12 hours later, saying there was insufficient evidence to support my claim. Wow! That was fast. No waiting around, wondering how the investigation's going. Prompt response, that's what customer service is all about. Now, I had thought that perhaps Jorja Trading would have to prove the transaction was legitimate, but no, I have to prove it's not. What a novel idea, proving a negative. It hadn't even occurred to me... probably because it's impossible.

It's not every day I receive such really mind-blowing customer service. I will be pursuing this issue further, but I'm sure it's just an avoidance technique I've developed to help me deal with the fact of my boyfriend's fraudulent activity. So until we speak next time (and I'm sure I speak for Jorja Trading here too): THANKS PAYPAL!

Yours truly,

Laura Melton

Update: I know the multitude of readers here are just salivating for an update on this, so here we go. A phone call was placed to Jorja Trading, with an attorney's name ready to drop. They denied any knowledge of the transactions or payments received. This was discovered in a 10 minute phone call. Noo, Paypal, this isn't a hinky deal at all. Phone call to Paypal Account Security is in progress; they're saying it is a "househould issue," i.e. my boyfriend stole the money. Brilliant.

Aw, now I've got retard all over my eyes.

People should have to take an IQ test before leaving a comment on a website. If you're going to subject a random sampling of the world's population to your opinion, there should be checks in place to ensure you're not wasting their time.

In case you're curious, this is what got me started. It's just a collection of landscape photos, gathered from across the web, I'd imagine. Haystacks and sunsets and oceans, oh my! The first one garnered a mental "wow", and I saved a couple for wallpaper. Then, I ruined a perfectly pleasant experience by continuing down to the comments.

*sigh* ... *sigh again*

Out of 28 comments, 16 include the words "photoshop" or "photoshopped". It's not a digital photography website, they're not discussing technique. It's mainly a bunch (or just a few, since Anonymous is the main contributor) of lame-o's implying that the pictures are inferior in some way, because they've been altered.

A voice of reason points out that photoshop is a tool for photographers, just like different lenses or even a tripod. Sure, let's open this up for intelligent discussion. I could be down for that. Let's see, the next comment is...

"Yep its photoshopped, I mean would you just look at them pixels"

I don't WANT to look at the pixels. They're not pictures of pixels. If they were, I would give it a big red Stumbleupon Thumbs Down, and move on.

Guy with a brain says, "The way it sounds now is that photoshopping means the result is no longer valid for some reason and that is nonsense. It is true that PS is a powerful tool, you can totally alter an image. But that can be done in many other ways as well. What counts is what the results do. What do they mean to you?" [Emphasis mine, as usual]

Jackass #1: "Yeah but photoshop has been used here though hasnt it theres no getting away from that is there. These are shopped. Full stop."
Jackass #2: "most shopped pics I've ever seen, i mean, come on... its obvious this is the work of photoshop, and i must add its a lazy work btw... just look at them damn pixels!! and the shadows are all wrong!! I give this shops a 2 out of 5."

Someone needs to get together with their art appreciation classmates to get the notes he missed.

It's not that I think these people are retards because I disagree with their assessment. For example, this guy:

"if it was viewed how nature intended it, most wouldnt even be pictures.. the shutters, lenses, and even peoples techniques make these pictures what they are.. the photoshopping only brings out a better feeling in the picture so that its more dramatic.."

Hey, I agree with you, sir (or ma'am)! Sure, you're only repeating what's been said further up the page, but yes. I concur. Yet another point for the brain-celled group... oh, wait. There's more to the comment...

"so shut up all you computer fags who think photoshopping ruins pictures.. you're ruining your life being hung up on that shit."

Never mind. I don't want you on my team anymore.



Tune in next week for "People should have to take IQ tests before they can have babies" and other flame-bait topics.

What the Drug War Needs is a New Target!

Ah, StumbleUpon. You fill my nights and my mind with useless frittery... and the oh-so occasional bit of intriguing fact or eyebrow-raising news. Which is how I stumbled upon this. Salvia divinorum has caught the attention of U.S. legislators, my oh my.

A brief personal history: I first saw Salvia for sale almost 6 years ago, in the head shops on Bourbon St. It was being represented as a legal alternative to marijuana. I asked the guy behind the counter if it was really like smoking weed. He shook his head solemnly and said, "That stuff's bad news, man. You want to be careful with it, seriously." I put Salvia on my mental "no, thank you" list.

A few years later, a friend of mine told me that he had smoked Salvia with a few of his buddies. He found its effects on his friends hilarious. One guy crawled around barking like a dog, another narrated his bizzare hallucination which culminated in french-kissing a bobblehead doll of Jim Cramer from CNBC's Mad Money. When it came my friend's turn at bat, he took a few puffs... held it... and found himself trapped in a world devoid of time. He said it was like being in a nightmare; and he thought he would be there forever. He lived an eternity in the few minutes he was "out."

Then, a couple of months ago, another friend of mine told me about her experience with it. She'd smoked it with her boyfriend and a mutual friend. It had amounted to not much more than hysterical giggling, and she had to hit the pipe twice to get there.

All that, just to say: I've never tried the stuff. I'm not really interested in doing so, because it doesn't sound like an enjoyable or enriching experience. I believe recreational drug use should fulfill one, or preferably both, criteria.

Back to the issue at hand: the USA Today article. I'll skip over the soft sell they're offering on the "poor Mexican farmers" who depend on Salvia as a crop. I'm not informed enough to offer an opinion, nor am I interested enough in the agricultural exports of southern Mexico to research it. It sounds like someone inexpertly playing heartstrings to me, though. Which is a shame, because there's something far more interesting going on here. Let's take a closer look.

Eleven states have passed laws "restricting" the use of Salvia. In the cases of California and Maine, it is illegal to sell to minors. [If you're keeping score, I'm O.K. with this.] The DEA is looking into banning it federally. A state representative responsible for some of the new legislation is quoted as saying, "There was no legitimate purpose for that herb... We thought it would be better to deter this sooner than later." Am I crazy, or is that a piss-poor reason to criminalize another naturally occurring substance?

No legitimate purpose? Who the hell do you think you are, Mr. Thom "My Name is Misspelled" Collier? This is a plant that has been used for centuries by the Indian tribes throughout its habitat. Their shamans used it as a diagnostic and divinatory tool. Potentially harmful? Don't make me go into the alcohol debate, because it's been said and no one's listening anyway. But there is more than your average hypocrisy occurring here.

Where is the threat? Show it to me, and I'll reevaluate my righteous indignation, I promise. Meanwhile, from erowid.org:

"At higher doses users report dramatic time distortion, vivid imagery, encounters with beings, travel to other places, planets or times, living years as the paint on a wall or experiencing the full life of another individual. Needless to say these can be extremely powerful experiences and should only be attempted with a sitter." [emphasis mine]

"...many people find S. divinorum to be unpleasantly overwhelming and more scary than fun. As has been found with pharmaceutical kappa-opioid agonists, Salvia divinorum is aversive for many who try it."

"Salvia divinorum is not known to be either physically addicting or likely to cause psychological dependence. Withdrawal effects following discontinuation have not been reported."

And this, from the man who sells the stuff: "It's not a party drug, and it's not a substitute for marijuana. Most people try it once, put it in a drawer and never touch it again." [John Boyd, CEO of Arena Ethnobotanicals]


Oh sure, this is the new drug terror to sweep the nation. *rolls eyes*

Here's the link to Erowid's salvia vault. I encourage you, anytime you're in the market for actual factual information on a drug, from what it does to how it does it... check Erowid. Truly outstanding website, written by intelligent people.

In conclusion, to the lawmakers: please leave my herb garden out of it. God grew it, if he ain't tellin' me what to do with it, don't you start.

To Erowid: longtime fan, if I had more money, I'd send it to ya'll.